My husband and I have been married since 1983 and have been as happy as any other couple I know.  We have never considered divorce.  Of course, we have argued.  Brought along in the age of equal rights, we etermined that we would divide the household responsibilities right down the middle.  I did most of the cooking but he did most of the cleaning.  We both worked full time.  Supposedly, we had life just the way it should be except that there was something missing from my point of view.

Let me cite an example.  I can remember once not long after I got married I was making a cake and realized I was missing an ingrediant.  I went to the store and purchased the missing item.  Now, the trouble is, the store was not a safe place for a young woman to be after dark.  I had been brought up to believe I should be able to do anything a man could do. ( I still believe I can but I don't know if I should) When I got back from the store I called my mom.  She said, "Do you mean he let you go to the store?"  Now honestly. that was the first time I considered whether he could let me do anything or not.  I have to admit, part of me wished he had said, "No, its to dangerous for you to go up there now wait until tomarrow (or better yet, I'll go for you). For twenty two years that little seed grew in my mind.  I want to be considered equal, of course, but I soon got over the idea that I am the same.  Like most women I have talked to I felt like I was in charge of everything from housekeeping to bill paying to meal planning.  I was constantly tired.  I dreamed of having my husband take charge.

Having a man in charge when you like it is one thing.  Having a man in charge all the time is quite another.  I thought about it for a long time, would I really like living that way?  It has nothing at all to do with my intelligence just my prefrerences.  I think asking him to be HOH and discipline me was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had with my husband.  It was a side of myself I had never revealed to him or anyone else.  Frankly, I was afraid he would think it funny.

For a long time he refused.  How could he "hit" me?  I argued that a smack on the bottom does not constitute abuse.  __Don't send ANY e mails about that!  Finally he agreed with the provision that I could say I changed my mind at any time.  That has been over two years ago and I have never doubted my decision. He does not enjoy disciplining me and shows no signs (physical or othewise) of deriving pleasure from the experiance.  One of the rules we talked about from the begining was there would be no love making on the same night as a discipline.  I don't get disciplined often.  It has been six weeks since my last one.  I do respect the idea that there are certain things I can't do or I will get one.  I can't endanger myself or the children, I can't lie, I can't spend more than $50 with out telling DH (He doesn't spend more than $50 without telling me) I can't refuse sex without a really good reason. When I get disciplined, the idea that I have let him down hurts more than the spanking.  I find that I am spending more time trying to please him.  When he was my 50/50 partner pleasing him wasn't as much a priority as it is now.  I don't mean bedroom things necessarily.  I mean I try to have his coffee ready before he comes to the kitchen in the mornng and stuff like that. 

Why do I go along with it when it is admittedly a lot of work?  For what I get out of it of course!  He opens doors for me and I let him.  I don't care what Gloria thinks.  I can carry her through a door but I still like having DH open them for me.  He won't let me carry anything heavy.  He LISTENS to what I say.  He trys to please me.--and not just in the bedroom. He takes me places he knows I like (antiquing).  He makes an honest effort not to do the things I am forbidden to do.  We are spending a lot more time behind closed doors and its not because I am getting punished.  I couldn't be happier.  I'm not his equal.  I'm his princess. Someone said one of my previous posts was the sickest thing they had ever seen.  God I wish it was.  That same day CNN ran an article about a little boy in Iraq who was covered in gas and sat on fire.  Don't worry about me.  I could go back to not being disciplined if I wanted to but I don't. I am happy the way I am.